Wasn't Me

Contrary to various published reports on CNN, the AP and other "reputable" sources, the second child of Britney Spears is not mine. As Wilde and Fee, John Connor and Jen Toohey know, when I'm not at the station, I've been working out and training everyday in order to be able to hold my breath underwater for 9 minutes. David Blane, although unable to break the record, does have one distinct advantage over me. While he was able to workout with Navy SEALS, I've only been able to afford three Wal-Mart greeters to help me train in their off-time. Hence, I've only been able to hold my breath for a maximum of 29 seconds. Clearly I was hoping for a better time by now, but I will push on and continue the "roll-back" technique that the Wall-Mart greeters have demanded. Once again, I've never even met Britney Spears so I can't possibly be the daddy. I will, however, continue on my diet of Metamucil and coffee (suggested by my trainers) to achieve the 9 minute mark sometime before 2098. Thank you.