6-6-06

With so many people talking about the possibility of something horrible happening, maybe even the end of the world, on June 6th, I thought that I'd make a Top 5 list of things to watch out for in the next week. If any or all of these events actually take place, grab water, Ramen noodles, candles and your loved ones and head to the basement or lowest point in your home.

1. O.J. actually finds the killers of Nicole and Ron.
2. Jusin Guarini releases a "hit" of any kind.
3. You don't hear a Kelly Clarkson song within a three hour span.
4. Whitney Houston stops smoking crack....allegedly.
5. Two of each animal begins to walk down E. 9th toward Lake Erie.

If any of these events take place within the next week, I wanna thank everyone who listens to the night program including all of the great phone callers. Grandma, I hated those plaid/striped pajamas that I would get every year at Christmas. They made me look like a polyester candy cane. And, I thought that Madonna looked hot in the video for "La Isla Bonita".

If these events don't take place, just ignore the last couple of sentences from the word grandma down. Thank you.

Put me in coach

Congrats to the Cavs on what should be deemed a successful season. To get to the next level, they just need a little something extra and I think I can help. So coach if you are reading this, I'm ready to sign. They need a guy who can hit three pointer after three pointer and i've secretly been in training. I realize that I am only about 5'9" 175lbs which is not the typical size of an NBA player, but after each of my shows, I've been sleeping in one of those machines that stretches you to make you taller as you sleep. I am now up to 5'9"..and1/8 so I am almost to NBA size. Realizing what the Cavs needed early on in the season I began my training. Back in February, I purchased a Nerf basketball and rim. Now mind you it wasn't easy at first to hit those outside shots, but now I am making 9 out of every 10 and think I am ready to help the Cavs next season. I also practiced my dunks on the Nerf hoop but stopped after I bruised my knee and cracked my bedroom closet door. Sorry coach. I can always be reached via e-mail, or Monday-Friday 7pm-12am at 216-578-0104. Thanks.

Wasn't Me

Contrary to various published reports on CNN, the AP and other "reputable" sources, the second child of Britney Spears is not mine. As Wilde and Fee, John Connor and Jen Toohey know, when I'm not at the station, I've been working out and training everyday in order to be able to hold my breath underwater for 9 minutes. David Blane, although unable to break the record, does have one distinct advantage over me. While he was able to workout with Navy SEALS, I've only been able to afford three Wal-Mart greeters to help me train in their off-time. Hence, I've only been able to hold my breath for a maximum of 29 seconds. Clearly I was hoping for a better time by now, but I will push on and continue the "roll-back" technique that the Wall-Mart greeters have demanded. Once again, I've never even met Britney Spears so I can't possibly be the daddy. I will, however, continue on my diet of Metamucil and coffee (suggested by my trainers) to achieve the 9 minute mark sometime before 2098. Thank you.

Cinco de Mayo

Hola!! Me llamo Timoteo. El burrito en los ustados unidos de la soul. I am happyo that its cinco do mayo. Maybeo I shouldo bringo some pinatas to the studio with prizes insideo for my showo tonighto. I thinko that soundso like a plano.